Not the computer sort, but a slightly more personal post than usual.

I live in a house and the house has windows. So far, so uneventful.

It has not traditionally been a very well maintained house, being the sort of house which is left to fend for itself by owners (often landlords rather than occupiers) who are looking at managing it as cheaply as possible and so don’t run to things like roof maintenance, carpet renewal or cleaning paint off internal glazed doors.

Or replacing the windows.

So, as a sundry list of things that one can find are wrong with ordinary double-glazed windows, here is a list of the problems I found with my house’s windows when I moved in.

  1. The securing beading was all on the outside, meaning that burglars not equipped with a handy brick for breaking the glass could gain entry more quietly and less destructively by levering the beading off with a paint scraper and then lifting the glazing panels out.
  2. General inclination amongst the window stock to let warm air out and noise in.
  3. No keys for the window locks.
  4. No key for the back door.
  5. Back door outside handle came off in my hand.
  6. Front door postbox had no outside flap.
  7. Front door was of a design fashionable in the mid-60s and inclined to feel that it had not been replaced since.
  8. Windows wouldn’t close easily and jammed on the catch.
  9. Failed hinges meaning windows hung at slight angles inclined to give an impression from a distance that they were on the catch when in fact they were shut.
  10. One (fortunately ground-floor – or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) window needed pushing shut from outside after being opened.
  11. French windows lacked a piece of panelling at the bottom so there was a square-inch hole letting all the warm air out.
  12. Mismatching styles of obscured glazing for bathroom windows.
  13. Failed glazing panel on one window had completely misted up inside.
  14. Inside pane of one originally double-glazed unit was completely missing.

You may be pleased to hear that all of these problems have now been resolved (with the help of a glazier who got more depressed about the state of the property as he worked his way round) – unless of course you work in unanticipated unauthorised removals for a living, in which case you may be reassured to hear that I make a point of having nothing worth misappropriating anyway.

Unless you’re particularly desperate for a complete and rather battered set of Swallows & Amazons books.